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My dear friend Cheryl e-mailed her son’s report card to me last week. She also sent it to her mother and her sister, who is a teacher. Cheryl wrote,
“Dear Trusted Advisors,
Just wondering if you have time to take a look at Rob’s report card and let me know your thoughts and any questions you might ask the teacher.”
Cheryl and her husband were headed to a parent-teacher conference the next morning and were eager to be fully prepared. After looking over Rob’s report card, I thought about it for a few hours before I wrote her back. Below are my thoughts, in no particular order. (I have removed the personal information specific to her son but included the rest of what I wrote to Cheryl.)
- Every report card paints a picture. The picture is not only of the child. It is also a picture of the teacher’s relationship with the child. Sometimes a grade is just a grade. But other times, I have found that I can “see” how the teacher feels about my child by what is mentioned or what receives a low mark. The blank report card (the form itself) and the teachers’ comments also tell a story. The tone might be overly cautious about hurting the feelings of the parents or fearful of being too negative. Other schools project a more judgemental tone, with rigid emphasis on grades and criteria. When I receive the report cards of my own children I always read the report card through, start to finish without lingering too long on any one line, mark or comment. Then I ask myself “How do these teachers feel about my child?” and “What is the tone of the report card itself?” I have always been a big picture type of person and I guess it’s true even when I read report cards. I find it especially helpful in this instance because it prevents me from having a knee-jerk reaction to any single grade or line item.
- To dismiss or tackle, that is the question. As parents, we can dismiss our child’s shortcomings as “just a part of who he is” or we can try to tackle it. My personal opinion is that most students are too young for us to know if it is possible to change them and we owe it to them to try. If we dismiss the shortcoming as “just his personality” we guarantee nothing will change. If we try your hardest to help him develop a new normal or a new skill, we give him some hope of coping in life, perhaps even thriving and we help him avoid being labeled. In a future post, I will give some specific tips about how to do this.
- Look for links. When we see low marks or negative comments, I think it’s easy to say something dismissive such as, “He just doesn’t like ______.” The truth is that early and aggressive intervention is far better than remorse. Look for connections. (e.g. Could the low grade have anything to do with who he sits next to in that class?) Ask yourself and your child lots of questions to get to the root of the matter. Maybe there is no “root.” As I said earlier, sometimes a grade is just a grade. Generally speaking though, I think it’s better to take action, take the initiative. Don’t wait for the school to tell you they think he needs this or that. Get ahead of them and have the answers before they ask the questions. You know your child better than anyone. You are his advocate. It’s your most important job. The teacher’s perception of his needs will improve if she knows you are on top of it. If she thinks you are doing nothing to help improve matters, she will perceive the situation as worse instead of better. It’s a bit of a psychological game, but it works.
- Every report card gives you a to-do list. What is your list from this semester? Even 10 minutes per day of targeted work on the weak areas can make a difference that will seem magical to the teacher.
- Ask about the emotional toll. This is the unwritten part of nearly every report card. How does your child feel about what’s going on? Kids are smart. They know when something’s not going well or something’s harder for them than it is for the other kids. Ask the teacher what, if any, emotional toll she is witnessing that stems from the areas of weakness. I’ve never seen a report card that had a line item for emotional impact. But children do not go to school in a vacuum, so there is almost always something going on underneath the radar. Does he look beaten down or discouraged when he sees that he is not as adept as others? Or is he so far along with it that he has already developed some coping skills like hiding his errors or avoiding work? Or perhaps he is oblivious to his own weaknesses because he is too young, emotionally, to care yet. Whatever the case, you need to know, and these are observations you’d be hard-pressed to make yourself because you have little opportunity to observe him in a group setting. His teacher may not be picking up on these subtle emotional behaviors, but she should. If you suspect that she hasn’t been watching this carefully, I would ask her to be super aware of it going forward and ask her to report to you her observations a.s.a.p. This is important because anything that is taking an emotional toll needs to be addressed aggressively. These years are where kids do most defining of their school-self (e.g. “I’m good at math.” “I’m bad at sports.” “Teachers yell at me.” “Other kids don’t want me on their team.”), and the definition they create can stick even if it’s not true.
Report cards are serious business. In fact, when parents call me to ask for help I almost always ask, “What are his/her report cards like?” They really do paint a picture and give us, as parents, a to-do list. Our role as advocate is crucial. If we don’t do it, no one will …and the damage can be irreversible.
I would love to hear your thoughts on report cards. Please leave a comment.
