David, a high school sophomore, was making respectable grades in geometry. He had a high B average and, at the academically rigorous private school he attends, a high B is something of a badge of honor. It was the one class about which neither he nor his parents worried.
When David’s parents asked me to work with him, our focus was on streamlining his homework/study habits to raise his other grades and give him more time for his passion, golf. One Sunday afternoon at the midpoint of the semester I decided to ask David about his averages in all of his classes.
His geometry grade had fallen from a high B to a high C.
Uh-oh.
We logged on to the school’s computer system and dove in for a look at what had happened. At first I saw 87, 86, 89, 93…the grades I knew were typical of David in geometry. I did a double-take when I scanned further down and saw a 35 as a quiz grade.
“Thirty-five! What happened?!?!,” I said. I’m sure I must’ve sounded like his parents. “Oh, that was just me being stupid,” David answered in a soft voice. “What kind of stupid?” I asked. (David understood that I was not criticizing him, just wondering what, exactly, he had done.)
As it turned out, David had missed a day of geometry due to a golf tournament. When he returned from the tournament, the class was having a quiz covering material that was taught, in part, on the day he was gone. He could choose to take the quiz and risk getting a poor grade or opt to take the quiz at some future time which would cause him to
1.) feel “behind” in geometry and
2.) have to speak after class with the teacher to schedule it.
David opted to take the quiz and risk getting a low grade.
Hmmm… What could possibly make David want to take such a risk?
The answer: He had, in recent weeks, felt that he had fallen out of favor with the teacher. He was getting vibes that she didn’t like him. She had let him know that she didn’t believe he was giving his fullest effort.
This is when a grade is not just a grade.
It is human nature to avoid negative feelings and that includes avoiding people who don’t like us or are disappointed in us. David’s desire to avoid those negative feelings was so strong that he chose to take a huge risk with his overall GPA. It seems silly, if not ridiculous, when we say it aloud. Somehow talking about it brings the lunacy into the light. The feelings are still as strong, though.
I could feel David’s pain.
In my own life, I have gone to great lengths to avoid things that made me feel bad inside. Once I borrowed a Halloween costume from a friend named Anna. I forgot to return it. For two years I avoided Anna because I knew I had disappointed her by not returning her costume. I eventually returned it, but the damage to our friendship was done…all because I did not want to face the guilt of having let a friend down. Even as I type this I am amazed the human desire to avoid negative feelings can be so strong.
What about David?
Along with David’s quiz grade of 35, he had a zero as one of his homework grades. He had some repair work to do, but it was not academic. David and I had a long talk about ingratiating oneself to others. I explained that geometry is not just geometry. There is also the relationship he has with his teacher, and like it or not, that plays a role in his grades. David and I thought of a few simple things he could do to shift the relationship momentum back in his direction. These were unbelievably simple things, such as move to sit near the front of the class instead of in the back corner where he usually sat. David was genuinely enthusiastic about our plan. He felt in control, empowered. He was no longer the kid whose grades in geometry were slipping. He had been redefined in his own eyes, and when I explained it all to his parents, he was redefined in their eyes, too.
What can you do to redefine your relationship with your teachers?
I would love to hear your ideas!
